5 Years Ago Today...
How is it, that we are already at this point?! I have often wondered what this day would be like when it came. 5 Years ago it seemed like it would never come. It seemed impossible that any of us could survive this long without her. I use to wonder if it would hurt any less, if I would still think of her daily, or If I will still be sad that she's gone?? The answer is, Yes to all of the above.
How is it, that we are already at this point?! I have often wondered what this day would be like when it came. 5 Years ago it seemed like it would never come. It seemed impossible that any of us could survive this long without her. I use to wonder if it would hurt any less, if I would still think of her daily, or If I will still be sad that she's gone?? The answer is, Yes to all of the above.
My Mother was and still is ONE of my Best Friends in this entire world. We had this amazing connection. In fact she use to call me her Tiffy Roo, after Kanga & Roo. She felt like we were always in some way connected. In fact once she connected with someone, she always made sure they knew she was thinking of them! (now that I'm older I see what a enormous talent this was!) We always saw eye to eye, or at least I would realize it shortly after discussing it with her. haha. Our days use to consist of spending a great deal of time together. And then when I moved, calling each other a half a dozen times daily. We would laugh so hard we would cry. She would always have the best advice and best story's from growing up! She always saw people for who they were. She had this amazing talent of telling people what she always thought without hurting there feelings! (Still working on that..) She imitated a Praying Mantis like it was no ones business... I know weird but so funny!! Inspiration to so many people in so many ways. Constantly influencing my life decisions, the kind of mother I am striving to be, and just trying to endure the way she was able to. She was & still is AMAZING!!!
Reflecting is what has been going on in the month of April. April is a extremely bittersweet month for us. 5 years ago is when I married My Sweetheart. 5 years ago, I sat in the Celestrial room with my soon to be husband and was able to have my mother sit with us before we were sealed. That would be the only time in my life, I would be in the temple with her. 5 years ago I helped dress her outer shell. It would be the first and only time in my life that I would see my mother in her temple clothing. 5 years ago we buried her in one of the oldest cemetery's in the country. 5 years ago changed how I can never look at tulips, the 26th day, or anxiety the same way again. If I had to make all those sacrifices I made for her... I would do them again in a heartbeat without any hesitation. Or even after... I really didn't take her death very well. How my 10-20 daily anxiety attacks reached the point of hospitalization. And even though not all of those moments are the happy, joyous kind.. I would do it all again. Because 5 years later it still hurts a lot, most of all I have learned how to deal however those experiences have helped me become who I am today.
We have endless photo's & video's of her... and they are beyond cherished in our home. So many times I think if only those moments could talk back... I would tell her so much. Especially how much my heart still aches. How 5 years ago, really doesn't feel like 5 years. But yet things are so different now. I would thank her for her teachings, constant example, & our conversations. They are constantly flooding into my daily life. Asking her endless Questions. How every time I see a photo of her, I am still over come with her beauty. Or how the color pink takes on whole new meaning. I think a lot of her fight for life and her attitude towards trials. How 5 years later whenever some one mentions Cancer or Chemo, I instantly feel sick to my stomach. If only... I would even just be okay with hugging her without conversing. I just miss her so much.
I found this quote a few months back and often think of it...
"One’s life, therefore, is brevity compared to eternity—like being dropped off by a parent for a day at school.
But what a day!"
--Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
I Miss her so much... & really cant wait for her to pick me up from School one day!
I Love You Mommy!!!!!
--Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
I Miss her so much... & really cant wait for her to pick me up from School one day!
I Love You Mommy!!!!!
